


A confession, a little too late

by WooyooNara



Category: Naruto
Genre: 10/10 dude, I love Shikaku idk if you can tell or not, I want to yell at Masashi Kishimoto, M/M, Shikaku is a B+ dad, he didn't do his best during shikamaru's childhood alright but he got better and he's damn awesome, that's still a good grade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24580708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WooyooNara/pseuds/WooyooNara
Summary: Shikamaru's still struggling with the death of Asuma... and realizing a few things.
Relationships: Nara Shikamaru/Sarutobi Asuma
Comments: 9
Kudos: 23





	A confession, a little too late

**Author's Note:**

> HERE; have some tunes that I listened to while writing.
> 
> sigur rós - varðeldur  
> mell-ø - when you smile  
> ouska - alive  
> damien rice - colour me in  
> rook1e, tender spring - the places we used to walk  
> cocabona - you  
> daughter - shallows

**––– Training Grounds**

“I’m exhausted, let’s call it a day.”

“Oh! Oh, _you’re_ exhausted?” Ino called back in frustration as she watched her friend get up on his feet and dust himself off before shoving his hands into his pockets with a sigh. “You haven’t even done anything!”

“Well, I got tired just watching you two. See ya.” 

“Shikamaru!”

“Let him go...” Chōji spoke up, watching the Nara heir stagger off from the training grounds. The redhead wore a sorrowful expression as the back of his best friend’s back got smaller and smaller, eventually completely out of view. 

He turned to Ino and was expecting a glare but saw guilt as well as the same sadness in her eyes as he felt. Chōji also saw worry, and he understood that well, too. She turned to him and without needing to say anything, Akimichi put his arm over her shoulders and walked with her.

Almost a year had passed, they had gotten their revenge... 

It didn’t change the fact that he was gone, though, did it?  
Nothing could make it better, nothing could bring him back.  
No matter what they did, he was still dead. 

The wound in their hearts was deep, and barely healing.

**_–––– In Town_ **

On his way back to his home, Shikamaru made a quick stop by a little shop to get himself some cigarettes since he had run out this morning.

The lady at the desk smiled kindly and wished him a good night, which he returned with a small nod and an a smile of his own. It definitely wasn’t real, but he didn’t want to be rude. Besides, not many could tell. Shikamaru was a pretty decent actor. Not even Ino and Chōji could tell every time, but he hardly ever lied to them anyway.

There was only a few people that could see right through him. His father and mother, Genma and Asuma...

_Oh, yeah_... And––

“Hey, you. Haven’t seen you in a while.” Hatake Kakashi let his eyes express the cheerfulness the other half of his face wasn’t able to as he stepped up to the younger male. 

“Kakashi-Sensei. Yeah, been a bit busy.”

“You doing alright?”

“I’m fine.” The reply came a little too fast, too harsh. He wanted to bite the tip of his tongue off for not being able to control himself properly. Shikamaru didn’t want to be unfriendly, short. Especially not with Kakashi, who had gone with them to take those Akatsuki bastards down. The man had risked his life for their sake... He might have wanted to avenge Asuma, too, but still...

Kakashi tilted his head slightly, not mocking him or seeming offended. No, he was always so understanding. The chunin felt a warm hand on his shoulder and stared into the ground a few feet away.

No other words were passed to him, only a gentle gaze once Shikamaru turned to face him again. He felt his tear ducts sting slightly and blinked rapidly a couple of times before putting his legs to work, to get out of there.

“I’ll see you around, Kakashi-Sensei.”

“You know where to find me.”

**––– Nara House / Forest**

He shut his bedroom door and leaned against it while exhaling heavily into the darkness of the lonely room. He used to like it in here... It was private and quiet. Now, it only felt cold and suffocating. Incredibly loud, too.

Shikamaru sat down on the end of his bed and captured his falling head in his palms. He sat there as the volume of the unpleasant noise of metal hitting metal turned up. Screams and manic laughter filled his head. Then came the visuals.  
The blood, the wounds, the insanity and then seeing life be ripped out like––

He sat up straight, gasped loudly and breathed heavily, the air stuttering in and out of his poor lungs that finally got the oxygen they needed to keep the body functioning.

His eyes glanced over to his nightstand where his picture of Team 10 were standing. He wanted to grab it and hug it tightly as much as he wanted to throw it out the window and hope the rain would destroy every last piece of it..

It hurt.

It hurt so much and he needed to escape the pain.

Shikamaru left his room and quietly snuck out of the house without waking his parents. And then ran deep into the Nara forest.

It was better there. It was still private, but he was surrounded by other noises. Birds, twigs cracking, and of course the deer. They didn’t produce much sound, but when they were close you could hear them eating, the flapping of their ears, their calm breathing...

Their heartbeat... 

Shikamaru fell asleep rested against Rikumaru after he had appeared and laid down behind the human, providing a warm pillow for him.

**––– Shikaku’s Office**

“Yo!”

Shikaku lifted his head from the stack of papers on his desk and squinted his eyes at the man by the door. “Oops. Did I disturb Nappy Time?” Hatake was given a grunt and had a hard time keeping a chuckle in.

“Kakashi? What brings you here?”

“It’s been a while since I stopped by to see how you’re doing.”

“...Right, because you did that quite often before.” Shikaku’s words were heavy with sarcasm and he leaned back into his chair with a yawn.

“Haha... You got me.” Kakashi scratched his left cheek and stepped further inside the office, shutting the door behind him so that no nosy Hagane would hear him. “I wanted to ask about Shikamaru... How is he holding up? I saw him last night, but he wasn’t very keen on chatting.”

Shikaku sighed and rubbed his eyes, pinching his nose bridge. “I don’t know. He’s a quiet guy, but lately he’s been even more so. I suppose he’s still struggling with the loss of Asuma...”

“Have you spoken to him?”

“I have tried to start up a conversation about it. Offering various coping strategies he can try out. And––” The Nara cut himself off and mumbled something Kakashi didn’t catch. However, he didn’t ask about it. He had a feeling he didn’t need to. He also had a feeling he didn’t need to speak his mind about those coping ‘strategies’.

“You’re right.”

“I haven’t said anything.”

Shikaku raised an unamused eyebrow at the other man, letting him know that he knew exactly what Kakashi had wanted to say. 

“Emotional situations like these aren’t a strength of mine, but I have thought of _that_ , too. I’m just not sure how to approach him...”

“He is a lot like you. How would you approach yourself?”

“...”

“Well! I’ve got to go. Kotetsu needs to learn that private conversations should be respected as such.” He said in a happy tune as he opened the door and didn’t even twitch to help the two ninjas from falling onto the floor on top of each other. “Oh! And Izumo as well, I see.”

Another sigh left the Nara and he waved for them to leave while he just glanced out the window, pondering.

**––– Nara Forest**

Shikamaru had been woken up by another nightmare but had at least gotten two to three hours of sleep before then. Rikumaru hadn’t left, but he and the other deer were a bit further away, munching grass on the little field before him.

The morning birds were singing and Shikamaru pulled a hand through his dark hair after pulling off the hair tie that always kept his hair up. _Almost_ always...

> _“Wow...”  
>   
>  “What?”  
>   
> “Nothing, really. Just that... I have never seen you with your hair down before. You’re cute!”   
>   
> His hand reaches up and runs through the soft strands, causing Shikamaru to tense up, feeling his insides heating up in a strange way.   
> He swats Asuma’s hand away, but the warmth in his gut isn’t going away along with it...  
>   
> “I just needed to redo it. What the hell are you talking about––”  
>   
> “No no no, keep it down. It looks good on you! You look like your mother!”  
>   
> “Shut up! Man, you’re so troublesome... It’s your turn.”   
>   
> Shikamaru grumbles while his sensei laughs wholeheartedly and go back to think of his next move at their game._
> 
> _While he does that, Shikamaru decides it’s too much of a bother to put his hair up again. He’s taking a shower later anyway, so, might as well keep it down._
> 
> _He focuses on the shōgi and pulls his hair behind his left ear before leaning over to move a piece. He looks up and catches Asuma watching him with a warm smile._
> 
> _“...what?”  
>   
>  “Nothing.” Asuma’s lips stretches further and he shrugs, pursing his lips at the board._
> 
> _The strange heat makes itself known again but he finds himself smiling as well this time. Maybe it’s nothing to worry about..._
> 
> _‘Cute’... what a drag...  
> _

A pink shade coloured his cheeks as he looked down at the tie while lazily playing with it. He shut his eyes tightly and cursed.

He flicked the silver lighter again and again, keeping the flame burning until it burned his thumb. “ _Tch_!” He bit lower lip, squeezed his eyes shut again and forced back those stubborn tears that kept threatening to spill. He, too, was stubborn though. He had his breakdown back then... he won’t let anymore tears fall, since they won’t do any good anyway.

“There you are. I’ve been looking for you. Found Chōji and Ino on their way to see the others for BBQ. You’re not going?” Shikaku bent under a branch and slowly walked up to his son with his hands in his pockets.

“Dad,” Shikamaru turned to him but then looked back to the herd at the field, avoiding eye contact. “Nah... I’m not hungry. Something you need help with?”

“Not really.” 

After a minute or two, Shikaku eventually sat himself down beside him, petting one of the deer who had decided to come greet the man, on its nose. 

> _“I’m just not sure how to approach him...”  
> _
> 
> _“He is a lot like you. How would you approach yourself?”_

He waited, patiently.

“...Hey, Dad..”

“Mm..” 

“When did you know you had fallen in love with mom?”

Well... _That_ was unexpected.

And not only that, it was rather troublesome, too.

“Hn... You know I’m not that...” He was about to say what he always said; that he wasn’t really good at talking about that sort of thing. Just because he simply didn’t understand it that well. Love was something one couldn’t exactly describe because it was different from person to person and it was very complex. It was complex on an emotional level. No matter your IQ, it would be difficult to exactly pinpoint How, When and Why. It was a feeling like no other.

However, seeing the look on his son’s face as he stared down at the grass in front of him, even though his hair covered it a bit, made Shikaku suck it up and _try_. He leaned back, using his arms to hold him up as he tilted his head further back and watched the tree crowns above them.

“Yoshino was... definitely her own woman back then, too. She knew what she wanted, she knew when she was right and wouldn’t back down if someone decided to argue with her. I found her incredibly intriguing for that, I suppose. But I only admired her from afar for a while.” He explained.

“I wasn’t much for romance. I had my head set on my work and knew it would only be troublesome to date when you’re a ninja. Being the heir, however, I knew it was expected of me to find a wife but... tragedy and pain will strike at some point, it’s inevitable. I wanted to save _her_ from that. Wishing she’d find a normal and charming man to marry.”

“Yeah, you’re neither of those things.” 

Shikamaru was given a weak slap to the back of his head.

“Inoichi asked her out for me. Curse the bastard. I’ll admit I was a mess. She could tell this rough looking guy sitting on the other side of the table was a nervous wreck, and _boy_ did she take advantage of it. Amused to say the least. But I was glad I could man up and tell her how I felt eventually.”

“How long until you knew...?”

“Not too long. ...Too long. Many times, over and over.   
I still fall for her, everyday. There’s always something new.  
I thought I loved her when I kissed her at our wedding. But this morning I watched her accidentally hang her laundry on a bucks antlers while she was scolding me. She didn’t pay attention and it took off, leaving her as red as a beet.”

“Ah.. that explain’s the bra I saw earlier...”

Shikaku chuckled and watched Shikamaru by glancing at him, seeing the deep thoughts in his features. He exhaled softly, shutting his eyes.

_Love_ , huh?

Suddenly, everything made so much more sense.

He _should_ be more bothered, probably. An age gap that big...  
Asuma had almost been his own age.   
**_Almost_**. _Ten_ years. 

_~~...Stop it.~~ _

_~~He already feel old as it is.~~ _

Anyway; Asuma was a good man. A 15 year age difference didn’t matter.  
Love was Love, right?   
_Tsk... complicated stuff._

“...I think I figured it out too late. Asuma. I didn’t have a chance to tell him... I never thought... I...”

The silence that lasted only a few moments, felt like a lifetime for Shikamaru. He had just confessed to two things. One, being attracted to men, which... he didn’t really care for if people thought badly of him or not. The only ones he hoped would be alright with it was his friends and... of course his family.   
His father.  
  
The second thing he had just confessed to was that he was in love with his _teacher_. His _dead_ teacher.

Still the heavy silence...

Is he going to disown him now? Distance himself again? Heavily drink again?  
You know what? Fuck that. Fuck him. He didn’t care.  
Asuma had been _murdered_. He had seen Asuma die and he had been too damn useless to do anything to save him, to help. That son of a bitch who did it was trapped deep in that hole, hopefully rotting away in agony.

...Maybe Shikamaru, too, should be down there, rotting for the awful job he did back then.

If he had just been faster, smarter, stronger...  
If he had just been _better_...

The poor boy was on the verge of shaking when Shikaku finally spoke again, with a voice warm, kind and caring. Like the father he really needed.

“He knew, son.”

Shikamaru remained quiet and fought so hard not to cry but couldn’t hold it in any longer and covered his face with his hand, gritting his teeth. Shikaku draped an arm around his son and pulled him close to let him lean on him.

Last time, he had told him to _let it out_. He had left him alone and it gave Shikamaru the strength and willpower to come up with the plan to kill the Akatsuki memebers. It gave him something to take out the frustration on.

But now when that was all over... he needed _this_.

“He knew.”

**––– Konoha Cemetery.**

Shikamaru stared down at the grave of Asuma Sarutobi and lit up a cigarette. He took a drag of it before putting it down on the Leaf symbol, as always.

“I come here... every day. Every night. Talking to you. I come with questions, answers to those questions and confessions...” he began today’s words.

“I have another one today, and this one is for you, actually... Dad says you already know, but... I wanted to say it.”

He fell silent, listening to the wind in the trees and felt it brush his skin and breathed it in as if it was there to give him confidence. It did...

“I love you.

I think I have for a long time, without realizing it. I didn’t know what that was, how it worked.   
I thought it was stupid and troublesome... and frankly, **it is**.   
It’s a damn drag, you know.   
But, now I kind of know what the fuss is all about. 

Not that it would matter if you were still here. But I kind of wish that I had told you before...   
I don’t know why, but it would feel a lot lighter in my chest if I had.

Maybe it would have ruined our friendship... but I highly doubt it.   
You would have taken it well, let me down easy and remained the best man I’ll ever know.

...I love you.   
And from now on, like it or not, I’ll say it every time I come here.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well... this was disgustingly sappy as hell.
> 
> I'll let you kids know, that I also wrote... two different, uh, "extra endings".
> 
> In #1, he runs into Kurenai at the cemetary and then later meet Naruto who drags him to the BBQ where all their friends are. Warm and cozy pal time.
> 
> The other ending, #2, is Kurenai (same thing) and then... Kakashi, The Man pops up again. 
> 
> Would you want to read those...? I dunno. I didn't feel great about them, I struggled with the ending quite a bit.  
> But, I still have them saved, in case any of you would... you know... want to fall further into my trash-cave.
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
>  – Malley


End file.
